terribly confused

just when you think you have made sense of all the madness, everything comes crashing down again.

i was really afraid of letting this happen. . .

i got attached to something. . . & now, my big dreams are less likely to become a reality.

you spend so many years working towards a goal like college, anticipating it, planning in, preparing for it, & it all comes down to just two weeks.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

the much anticipated corcoran financial aid package came today & my chances of ending up there seem bleak/less likely. i was getting so excited about my future there, but sometimes, you just have to be realistic. unc is a fantastic school, but my heart still longs for d.c. i'm just terribly confused/concerned/lost right now. whatever happens, it will all be for the best, & i know that full well.

my final decision has not been made, & who knows, maybe that long idealized image of myself as a starving artist in a big city might actually become my reality. maybe those internships & chances to pursue my passions/interests more fully will be more possible in d.c. or maybe they would be possible at unc too. i just don't know! i have always struggled to think practically and realistically. mom & dad always have encouraged us to dream big. . . & now what?

"blessed is the man who trusts in the lord, whose trust is the lord. he is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, & does not fear when the heat comes, for its leaves remain green, & is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit. the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; 'i the lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."

- jeremiah 17:7-10

{photo of an alison watt original. i simply cannot get enough of her work- it is mesmerizing. the way that she works reminds me a great deal of o'keeffe. i cannot imagine doing what she does with her massive canvases}